Thursday, October 15, 2009

venting and confession

ok, so I'm not perfect, as if I didn't know. But, why can I not be happy for others who have good news? I seem to constantly be surrounded by people having babies. I'm happy, really, somewhere deep inside. Somewhere, and I'll find it before I have to display my face to them when they are cradling their child in their arms. And I know I should be happy with my own children, especially having added two more in by my recent marriage. I know I should consider that we don't have the finances, or space, to have another child. I know that I appreciate time alone. I know that I get frustrated with having 4 in the house at once (but I'm getting much better at handling them all at once!).I know that my "condition" means that "I don't need to be having any more children." Well, at least I know others think that; I won't apologize for disagreeing. I know that I'm downright lucky to have made it successfully through two pregnancies, despite my health not being optimum for motherhood. I know all this. I understand the logic. So why can't I let it go? Is it purely biological? Is it only emotional? Is it just PMS? I have cried out to God, over and over, in the various stages that I go through with this feeling. Last night I wanted to continue crying all night long, begging God to rid me of this desire. I cut short that wanting, so my husband could sleep. He doesn't understand; I don't expect him to.

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