Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Does it ever go away?

Posing a question for cyberspace here. I thought for a long time that certainly, my desire for another child must only have preceded my monthly female companion. Now it seems that I cannot shake this longing, even in the weeks between her visits. Every mention of a baby, every picture my friends post on facebook, even my mother-in-law's Scripture quotations today as she prepares to go to the first ultrasound with her only daughter, have me in tears.

So my question lingers, in my mind and heart-- will this want ever leave me? Will I ever be satisfied with my family as it is? Why doesn't my husband share the desire I have, to have a child with him? Is it selfish of me? Is it a reflection of how I really feel toward his children? Do I not love them properly?

I don't know how to get over the feeling that my love toward Tom's children is different than that for my own children. He keeps telling me that they ARE my children now, but it's one of those things that I think is going to take years for me to really settle into. They do have a mother, and I am not her.

I feel selfish and angry with myself for seeing how Tom interacts with his own children and wishing he had that kind of relationship with my girls. It's growing, for sure, between them. And honestly, his relationship with my daughters seems to be moving along more quickly than mine with his children.

The more I want to address issues, the more I realize the issue is me. I try to affirm myself through God's word, knowing that I have great power through Him. It's hard to go it alone. And meanwhile, the desire remains. I'm still praying about this all the time, and at the very least I can say that my prayer has changed. While it used to be, "God, please give me another child," now it is, "God, please take this desire away from me," or "Please fill me with Your fullness."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

venting and confession

ok, so I'm not perfect, as if I didn't know. But, why can I not be happy for others who have good news? I seem to constantly be surrounded by people having babies. I'm happy, really, somewhere deep inside. Somewhere, and I'll find it before I have to display my face to them when they are cradling their child in their arms. And I know I should be happy with my own children, especially having added two more in by my recent marriage. I know I should consider that we don't have the finances, or space, to have another child. I know that I appreciate time alone. I know that I get frustrated with having 4 in the house at once (but I'm getting much better at handling them all at once!).I know that my "condition" means that "I don't need to be having any more children." Well, at least I know others think that; I won't apologize for disagreeing. I know that I'm downright lucky to have made it successfully through two pregnancies, despite my health not being optimum for motherhood. I know all this. I understand the logic. So why can't I let it go? Is it purely biological? Is it only emotional? Is it just PMS? I have cried out to God, over and over, in the various stages that I go through with this feeling. Last night I wanted to continue crying all night long, begging God to rid me of this desire. I cut short that wanting, so my husband could sleep. He doesn't understand; I don't expect him to.

Monday, September 28, 2009

so... just wondering...

Does anyone even read this any more? I'd like to continue blogging but wondering if any of my old fans are still around. Or if my life in the past year has made you recoil enough to no longer be a fan.

SO much has changed, but I'm happy with the changes and I'm learning so much about myself. Honestly, so much would not have been revealed to me if I had continued where I was.

I'll divulge more of those as time goes on, honestly I love letting you guys know how my faults have been exposed to me. *smile*

Love you all!