Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Does it ever go away?

Posing a question for cyberspace here. I thought for a long time that certainly, my desire for another child must only have preceded my monthly female companion. Now it seems that I cannot shake this longing, even in the weeks between her visits. Every mention of a baby, every picture my friends post on facebook, even my mother-in-law's Scripture quotations today as she prepares to go to the first ultrasound with her only daughter, have me in tears.

So my question lingers, in my mind and heart-- will this want ever leave me? Will I ever be satisfied with my family as it is? Why doesn't my husband share the desire I have, to have a child with him? Is it selfish of me? Is it a reflection of how I really feel toward his children? Do I not love them properly?

I don't know how to get over the feeling that my love toward Tom's children is different than that for my own children. He keeps telling me that they ARE my children now, but it's one of those things that I think is going to take years for me to really settle into. They do have a mother, and I am not her.

I feel selfish and angry with myself for seeing how Tom interacts with his own children and wishing he had that kind of relationship with my girls. It's growing, for sure, between them. And honestly, his relationship with my daughters seems to be moving along more quickly than mine with his children.

The more I want to address issues, the more I realize the issue is me. I try to affirm myself through God's word, knowing that I have great power through Him. It's hard to go it alone. And meanwhile, the desire remains. I'm still praying about this all the time, and at the very least I can say that my prayer has changed. While it used to be, "God, please give me another child," now it is, "God, please take this desire away from me," or "Please fill me with Your fullness."